Cultural Critique / Pop Culture / Random Thoughts from an Uppity Negro / The Color Line

Why Are Black Female Bloggers Single and Giving out Relationship Advice?

Hey, it’s a hot topic so I’m still writing about it.

I know my cousin back in Chicago is probably tired of me writing about it, but hey, it’s what I do, I still love ya @ellafay!

But, it did recently dawn on me and some other friends the other day that a lot of the young black female bloggers who write about relationships and the like are probably single.  One never hears about them and their boyfriend, or their fiancee and most certainly not their husbands.  Most of the married black women who blog are much closer to 40 than they are to 30.  And the slightly older and married black women often portray their marriages as healthy ones whether they are or not.  But I’d much rather take relationship advice from a black woman who’s married with children if that is my aim.  So I couldn’t help but wonder why is it that the sistahs in my age bracket of around 25 are just so miraculously single?

The way I see it is that they were taking their cue from probably someone who’s single.  As I walked with my friend today in Little Five Points, she told stories about her mother being on her third husband and her aunt who’s been “dating” a married guy with kids for 25 years and the guy actually shows up at family functions and what not.  What results, I believe, from my armchair assessment is black women forcing to choose between stark dichotomies: either they fall victim to some weird and illogical relationship or they fight so hard to not fall victim that they erect some impossible archetype of what a man should be.

Hmmm, what a man should be…where’s RiPPa for that question…per his Mother’s Day post.

Without going in a rabbit hole about “what is a [black] man” we’ll just stick to the topic at hand.

So what happens, particularly at this age of around 30, I still think far too many [not all] black women are focused on taking their relationship cues from their equally single girlfriends.  And because of the media’s recent fixation on trotting out black women and their woes and relationships–or lack thereof–we have prime examples of a Sherri Shepherd and Jacque Reid being the poster child for black female singleness.

Aside from those two women having celebrity status in the black community, meaning that whatever their set of issues are unique to them and not the status quo on this issue, these two women are a prime example of single people giving out relationship advice.  The same goes for Hill Harper as well. Just the other day my friend asked me what to do because he kissed someone else while still in a relationship and he was feeling guilty and I looked at him dead in his eyes and said “You do know I’m single right? While you asking me relationship questions?”

And of course he laughed.

The reason I singled out my black female bloggers is because this seems to be a topic in which they are losing sleep over.  Young black male bloggers generally aren’t all that relationship oriented.  They’re usually cut and dried about the topic if they even broach the topic in the first place.  However, I will say this, I’m sure much to the disgust of my black female readers, but some of these young black female bloggers need to simply get over themselves and be happy in their singleness.  It’s NOT the end of the world, life will go on.  I think the biggest prohibitor to relationships, across the board; for males and females and across the races is that we fail to take a “never say never” approach.

If you approach every potential black male with a list of what he “must have” then you’re doomed from the start.  Frankly, I want to know where this list of “must haves” came from and became so prevalent.  I’m sure laws of attraction that the same thing subconsciously, but when we have reject-rappers who killed their careers with statements that say that black women have to “pass a swimming pool test” and that he specifically prefers light-skinned women, I think it shows that this is a problem across the board.

This is not to be considered a “blast post” and I’m going out on a limb that anyone who thinks I’m talking about them, then, I probably am and if you’re response to this post is full of emotions, then you almost prove my entire point.  No, I’m not here to tell single black women what we, black males, are looking for and by in turn, I’m sick and tired of hearing single black women trot out the statistics of why black men are crap and what we need to do.  There are good black men out there.  As one preacher said from the pulpit, “How is that you can call all men dogs, but you the only dog catcher?”

And I simply say, what’s the name for a female dog?

Look, this post is really just to tell my black women to take a deep breath and exhale.  Exhale whether you’re single; exhale if married; exhale if you’re engaged; exhale if you’re over 40 and never been married–just exhale!  It will be alright.  Don’t take all of your frustrations out on us, I guarantee you that we’re not the enemy.

It’s just my opinion…

…that because of our peculiar status as a collective people that we sometimes create pathologies out of our issues and we don’t properly address them and we do classic projection. So for black women, sometimes the men they meet become the “father that was never there” or become the “abusive father that was there.”  And even so in more “positive” aspects where black women may expect them to be like their father or an exemplary brother.  Men can do the same expecting their female counterparts to be like their mothers, sisters, aunts just for example.  What results is what we see on display now: the battle of the sexes, but now thanks to a 24-hour news cycle that’s driven by big businesses and corporations and persons with a social and political agenda, we have Battle of the Sexes, 2010 style.

So to my women, stop waiting to exhale–breath already.

Keep it uppity and keep it truthfully radical, JLL

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16 thoughts on “Why Are Black Female Bloggers Single and Giving out Relationship Advice?

  1. I couldn’t agree more with this post. Women taking advice specifically the relationship kind from other single women is a huge, gigantic mistake. All women need a platonic male friend who they can speak with candidly, so he can tell you how wacky your acting, thinking, etc. It will ultimately prove to be beneficial. As a single mother who just so happens to be black and a blogger I certainly don’t hand out relationship advice. If anything, there is plenty to laugh about when it comes to what I’ve experienced when it comes to the men I meet!

  2. I know full well that I can’t give any advice on hoe to make a relationship work, however I know all about the pitfalls and some things to not do. But you are right there are plenty chocks out here telling women what to do, but I am wondering why they are single still. I guess like they say, “those who can’t, teach”.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate
    Tiffany

  3. I completely understand your post. One does have to be careful were you receive your advice from- evenly yoke, so to speak. Wisdom best comes from an unselfish source. I also wanted to point out that being single does not necessarily mean “alone” or not in a relationship. Whether Black America is ready to recognize this or not – there is a paradigm shift of couples who are choosing to be in relationships, but remaining unmarried. As a blogger, I understand the right I have to my opion, but I also understand I have a responsibility to adding what positivity I can to this universe. So as single, but committed woman & a relationship and intimacy coach, I invite others to be responsible and not hateful. It is time to ask not “Why can’t I find Mr. or Ms. Right” but “Can I be Mr. or Ms.Right ” & “Am I ready to be loved?”

    It’s ya girl, Neek!

  4. Unless a Black woman has NEVER had a relationship, she still can have a valuale opinion on the matter without currently being in a relationship. Similar to how a physician can give advice on how to manage cancer without having cancer himself, a woman (who’s knowledgeable) on relationship matters can provide advice to a friend who asks. Assuming someone that is currently in a relationship as more apt to having good advice is a mistake, especially since some women think the sheer act of sleeping with someone makes them an expert on relationships. Bad advice can come from both directions. A healthy friendship (healthy–not frenemy or similar nonsense) between two women includes the exchange of listening and advice based on similar experiences, past or current. That’s a reality of women. Also, women are generally more conversational, hence such blogs and conversations regarding dating, especially at the age you mention 30 (Erik Erikson Stage VI). While most of the media is wrong and stereotypical when assessing Black women and do so for ratings, often repeating the same stories weekly, I don’t agree that someone currently single has nothing to offer a friend in terms of advice. I’ve had people thank me for advice while single and I’ve given crappy advice while in a relationship. It can occur both ways. Certainly the best advice and help for serious matters should probably be taken to counseling professionals, whether they are married or single. ;)

    Interesting post, thanks for sharing.

  5. Hello all! I was thinking the same thing about women being single and giving tips on being in a relationships or being married. Thanks for the advice ladies but leave the advice giving to the those who are experiencing marriage from a newlywed or veteran married women. I am in the process of developing a blog about relationships, an Ask Drea J segment, and ideas for great romantic getaways, date ideas and other things. Check out my blog which will be up and running today.

  6. I think that a lot of blacks who are single or married have been exposed to lots of false teachings both inside and outside the church. I had recently attended a church singles bible study and I heard really bad advice from the teacher of the bible study as well as many of the students and they had no clue how rediculous they sounded. My mom has been married for 46 years and they are still happy. She gives the best advice of all. In my own case, I have been married and am now divorced. I have had several proposals after my divorce and part of the reason for these proposals was taking the advice that my mom always gave-and also cooking like she does.

  7. I understand where you’re coming from. Women shouldn’t take relationship advice from single women. However, to generalize that most black female bloggers are single is unfounded. Some of the successful sites like my own, thrive simply because we’re talking from relationship experience AND we’re in LOVING committed relationships. I’m just saying….

  8. Just because a black female is in a relationship doesn’t make her an expert on relationship. I know plenty of black females who are in dysfunctional relationship just so they can say they have somebody.

    I guess the point is that everyone has a unique perspective about everything. Besides, everyone relates differently. So those sisters giving advice can find someone who connects with the message/advice.

  9. Black women kryptonite to a relationship. Most not all want respect but don’t show it. Then mess up other people relationship. Mitrice lapierre bell in NJ. Fat ugly black woman with baby daddy drama giving advice. Like a crack head telling you to just say no. Stfu

  10. I do not agree,with the author of this post.I have been in a relationship/marriage for over 25 years.3 years living together and 22 years of marriage.My then girlfriend who ended up being my wife demanded I stop taking advice from unmarried people.People who are divorced are also not sources of good advice.If they could not keep their marriage then how can they comment.The longer the person is married and has his/her spouse is the best advice.Older married people are better.

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