I know my cousin back in Chicago is probably tired of me writing about it, but hey, it’s what I do, I still love ya @ellafay!
But, it did recently dawn on me and some other friends the other day that a lot of the young black female bloggers who write about relationships and the like are probably single. One never hears about them and their boyfriend, or their fiancee and most certainly not their husbands. Most of the married black women who blog are much closer to 40 than they are to 30. And the slightly older and married black women often portray their marriages as healthy ones whether they are or not. But I’d much rather take relationship advice from a black woman who’s married with children if that is my aim. So I couldn’t help but wonder why is it that the sistahs in my age bracket of around 25 are just so miraculously single?
The way I see it is that they were taking their cue from probably someone who’s single. As I walked with my friend today in Little Five Points, she told stories about her mother being on her third husband and her aunt who’s been “dating” a married guy with kids for 25 years and the guy actually shows up at family functions and what not. What results, I believe, from my armchair assessment is black women forcing to choose between stark dichotomies: either they fall victim to some weird and illogical relationship or they fight so hard to not fall victim that they erect some impossible archetype of what a man should be.
Hmmm, what a man should be…where’s RiPPa for that question…per his Mother’s Day post.
Without going in a rabbit hole about “what is a [black] man” we’ll just stick to the topic at hand.
So what happens, particularly at this age of around 30, I still think far too many [not all] black women are focused on taking their relationship cues from their equally single girlfriends. And because of the media’s recent fixation on trotting out black women and their woes and relationships–or lack thereof–we have prime examples of a Sherri Shepherd and Jacque Reid being the poster child for black female singleness.
Aside from those two women having celebrity status in the black community, meaning that whatever their set of issues are unique to them and not the status quo on this issue, these two women are a prime example of single people giving out relationship advice. The same goes for Hill Harper as well. Just the other day my friend asked me what to do because he kissed someone else while still in a relationship and he was feeling guilty and I looked at him dead in his eyes and said “You do know I’m single right? While you asking me relationship questions?”
And of course he laughed.
The reason I singled out my black female bloggers is because this seems to be a topic in which they are losing sleep over. Young black male bloggers generally aren’t all that relationship oriented. They’re usually cut and dried about the topic if they even broach the topic in the first place. However, I will say this, I’m sure much to the disgust of my black female readers, but some of these young black female bloggers need to simply get over themselves and be happy in their singleness. It’s NOT the end of the world, life will go on. I think the biggest prohibitor to relationships, across the board; for males and females and across the races is that we fail to take a “never say never” approach.
If you approach every potential black male with a list of what he “must have” then you’re doomed from the start. Frankly, I want to know where this list of “must haves” came from and became so prevalent. I’m sure laws of attraction that the same thing subconsciously, but when we have reject-rappers who killed their careers with statements that say that black women have to “pass a swimming pool test” and that he specifically prefers light-skinned women, I think it shows that this is a problem across the board.
This is not to be considered a “blast post” and I’m going out on a limb that anyone who thinks I’m talking about them, then, I probably am and if you’re response to this post is full of emotions, then you almost prove my entire point. No, I’m not here to tell single black women what we, black males, are looking for and by in turn, I’m sick and tired of hearing single black women trot out the statistics of why black men are crap and what we need to do. There are good black men out there. As one preacher said from the pulpit, “How is that you can call all men dogs, but you the only dog catcher?”
And I simply say, what’s the name for a female dog?
Look, this post is really just to tell my black women to take a deep breath and exhale. Exhale whether you’re single; exhale if married; exhale if you’re engaged; exhale if you’re over 40 and never been married–just exhale! It will be alright. Don’t take all of your frustrations out on us, I guarantee you that we’re not the enemy.
It’s just my opinion…
…that because of our peculiar status as a collective people that we sometimes create pathologies out of our issues and we don’t properly address them and we do classic projection. So for black women, sometimes the men they meet become the “father that was never there” or become the “abusive father that was there.” And even so in more “positive” aspects where black women may expect them to be like their father or an exemplary brother. Men can do the same expecting their female counterparts to be like their mothers, sisters, aunts just for example. What results is what we see on display now: the battle of the sexes, but now thanks to a 24-hour news cycle that’s driven by big businesses and corporations and persons with a social and political agenda, we have Battle of the Sexes, 2010 style.
So to my women, stop waiting to exhale–breath already.
Keep it uppity and keep it truthfully radical, JLL